**When I mention relationships, I speak in general terms and am not referring to solely romantic relationships**
Why are people so offended by personal boundaries? why aren't we taught to have and sett healthy boundaries when we are young? I’m just now getting to a point where I clearly understand the need for boundaries and the good they do.
Personal boundaries are the physical, emotional and mental limits we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated by others. They allow us to separate who we are, and what we think and feel, from the thoughts and feelings of other people. Sometimes setting boundaries can be hard and emotionally and mentally challenging. Setting boundaries doesn’t look one particular way. Saying ‘No’ might be the simplest way to set a boundary but also the hardest thing to say.
Here are a few reasons why setting boundaries can be so difficult:
1. You put others needs and feelings above your own.
2. You don’t quite know yourself well enough to establish what you will and will not tolerate.
3. You don’t feel like you have the right to set any boundaries in your relationship.
4. You believe that setting boundaries will jeopardize the relationship.
5. You never learned to have healthy boundaries growing up.
I've experienced all of these, and it has taken constant healing and searching for what is authentically me, to gain understanding.
I’d describe myself as pretty co-dependent in my relationships in the past, which basically means that I, in some way, always ended up emotionally and psychologically reliant on my partner. I would say I believed that there was just no real need for boundaries when you love someone because people you love don’t hurt, use or abuse you, (or so I thought at the time). I didn’t understand boundaries so I couldn’t respect them either. I couldn’t understand why my friends didn’t want to be up under me all the time. My friends didn’t understand why it upset me that we didn’t hang out all the time. I cared about a lot of things I probably wouldn’t have, if I established and respected personal boundaries.
You can imagine how confused I felt when I started experiencing terrible feelings being "there" for my friends. At first it really wasn’t hard to be this super friend I thought I should be but then it got harder to manage and eventually became painful as fuck. I found myself torn in between not really wanting to do something because, well, I didn’t want to and forcing myself to do it because they were my friend or because I loved them. I carried guilt around with me when I didn't do what was asked of me. I noticed I began resenting my friends and being angry that they would even ask anything of me knowing how I’m feeling. They didn’t know how I was feeling at all, because I didn’t tell them. Just like I prided myself on being selfless so no one would think I was selfish I prided myself on being available for my friends and loved ones whenever they needed me no matter what. Thats not practicing healthy boundaries. You cant actually be there for someone 25/8, because you are a person too. There are times when you need yourself more than others need you. Establishing and practicing healthy boundaries helps you to know when it's that time. In my heart I really thought it was more important to be there for them than it was to be there for myself. You can see how I was setting myself up for failure right? I was putting an immense amount of pressure on myself to be something that I, physically, mentally, and emotionally could not be.
When you begin to cultivate a relationship, of any kind, always being available or doing one particular thing, is generally what your partner will begin to expect from you. They will expect you to be there for them, and it won’t matter what you have going on, the only thing that will matter is your “switch up.” You disrupt a natural, or rather unnatural order of the relationship when you try to reestablish boundaries. The idea is not to establish or re-establish boundaries after the relationship has already taken the wrong course. The idea is to present your boundaries at the very beginning, that way the course, from jump, is set to flow in the way you desire.
I said all of that to say this, boundaries are not offensive and mean. They are pure manifestations of growth and awareness of self. The better you know yourself, the more you understand, what you will and will not tolerate. Once you have understanding, of what you will and will not tolerate, you can set your boundaries accordingly. It is always beneficial to be open and honest about your boundaries.
If you’re struggling to draw a boundary with someone, just do it. If they love and respect you they will ultimately understand your reason behind it. If they do not, it may be time to consider, maybe that person is not meant to journey forward with you as you grow. Releasing people is hard and never simple but it is important to understand that holding on to someone that cannot respect something as simple as a boundary can tell you a lot about that person, about your current relationship with them, and about the possible future of that relationship. The next time you are faced with someone else’s boundary don’t fight it, respect and embrace it.
Be true. Be beautiful. & Be blessed.
B
Unrelated Food For Thought:
Why is it so easy to hate on each other nowadays? As a member of the Black American Community I am not a stranger to "nay-sayers" or haters. People will starve you of their support simply because they didn't think of it or do it first. Regardless of, if you agree with what a person is doing why can’t you respect them for trying?
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