*Disclaimer* I’M GETTING VULNERABLE AS HELL, BEWARE OF TRIGGERS!!!!
The journey to healing is long and complicated. Sometimes it’s painful and other times its heart warming. The things we indirectly run from are the main areas of healing we are challenged to initiate as adults. It took me until now to understand that I struggled with co-dependency and have been struggling with it my entire life. Co-dependency can be defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. It is reliance on another person for approval and a sense of identity.
For me it was like without the validation of the other person (a friend, a significant other, etc) I was flooded with uncertainty and fear. Fear of what might be going on, to justify the reason they aren’t validating me, fear that they may decide to no longer validate me, and uncertainty about the future of said bond or relationship because of lack of validation.
Common signs of codependency are:
Difficulty making decisions in relationships
Difficulty identifying your feelings, and properly communicating them,
Valuing another person’s opinion over your own,
Lack of self-trust,
Poor boundaries,
Reactivity
Control issues
Obsessive thoughts
Problems with intimacy
Painful emotions like:
anxiety
depression
anger
sadness.
Would you believe me if I told you I struggled with each and every last one of these? I have a personal and painful relationship with codependent behaviors that I never recognized were impacting me and my relationship with myself and with others. I first realized it was a problem after removing myself from a very toxic and codependent relationship. I sought validation from this person, on so many different aspects of my life. I let this person’s opinions shift my entire head space. There were literally no boundaries, which left me vulnerable, impressionable, and unprotected. Little did I know, I was, and still am, carrying the trauma of being abandoned in my childhood. I indirectly sought emotionally unavailable partners (and friends) in an attempt to get what I never got, but let’s put a pin in that and double back to it! I was under the impression that after I removed the codependent partner, that I had removed the codependency too.
Fast forward to the present, I’ve grown, released, and removed all that doesn’t serve me (or so I thought) and I end up face to face again with codependency. This time I was reintroduced with my codependency issues when I met someone who unintentionally triggered the living hell out of me.
I noticed those small behaviors slowly popping back up. I felt my anxiety increasing the closer I got to him. I started having super obsessive thoughts about what he was doing when we weren’t interacting. I’d be super anxious when he didn’t reply back to me in a timely manner or left me on read. I internalized not speaking to him and literally told myself something had to be wrong if he didn’t want to talk to me every day at least once a day. My justification for all these feelings before I got real with myself was that I just wanted to connect with him, I liked him, when really, I felt it necessary to speak or connect in some way, everyday so that I wouldn’t be forgotten. That made me cringe typing it, (inserts drunk face emoji) but it’s my truth.
In reality, it bothered me not interacting with him every day because I was scared that he’d change his mind and decide he wasn’t interested anymore. I feared not being enough to keep his attention for long. It was like if I didn’t talk to him and confirm we were good, with his responses and tone, then there was a possibility we weren’t good and the anxiety was instantly on 10! Recalling these behaviors brings up feelings of shame almost, which is another common symptom of codependency, I know I have nothing to be ashamed of so let's keep going!
I was putting him on DND to try and relieve my anxiousness about not hearing from him. I had to get seriously reflective because I was a little worried that all the hard work I’d done over the past year and a half had gone to waste. That first round of healing only prepared me to be able to handle the real work that lay ahead of me.
Here’s where we pick up our pin, it was really me and my mom when I was a kid. My dad from the outside looking in, just had no real desire to be a parent to me. Whenever he had the opportunities to spend time with me he either stood me up or left and I was with other family. I’d call him to see him and he would ask each time if my mom wanted to come and to invite her. My mom, of course would always say no respectfully and encourage me to just tell him it could be me and him. Conveniently each time my mom declined his offer he declined mine. It felt like it wasn’t worth seeing me if he couldn’t get to my mama. I’ve never had an actual conversation with him about this, and I know now I am in a place where I’m ready to. One thing I know is that the key to healing my codependency starts with healing my issues with my dad. With everything I’m learning, in life and while training to be a counselor I still saw past my own deep-rooted issues. Everything is brought to the light in divine timing though.
Yes, it started with codependency but with continuous introspection I realized exactly where the weed grew and what exactly watered it.
Take a moment and digest the impact that our first life experiences have on how we handle ourselves and others as adults. The mind is so powerful, and capable of convincing us of many things. I convinced myself for years I wasn’t bothered by the past anymore when its literally been living in my heart space waiting to wake the fuck up. Our relationships with our parents are so vital and important. They are our first teachers, we learn how to establish and maintain relationships from them. We learn our first words and take our first steps being coached by them. As the first man in my life he taught me at a very young age that men leave, often times with no explanation, and my life experiences have been reinforcing that subconscious message my entire life.
As children we are told to unconditionally love our parents. Looking back now I realize that’s exactly what I told myself to excuse my dad’s behavior. I indirectly learned to extend love, or just myself in general, to people even when they are literally showing me they don’t deserve it.
The seeds of codependency were planted so long ago, well before I could ever recognize what was happening. I sat and thought about what my younger self could have been saying in her mind to justify her complicated relationship with her dad, someone she loves. My dad was emotionally unavailable and physically absent leaving me to attract emotionally unavailable men whose absence in any way made me fearful, uncertain, and anxious.
One of my goals for 2020 was to experience a healthy adult relationship, in any capacity. I understand on a personal level now that a healthy adult relationship of any kind will be difficult if I don’t face my deeper-rooted issues. Yes, it started with codependency but with continuous introspection I realized exactly where the weed grew and what exactly watered it. If I truly want to live and move with love that means forgiving. I have to be honest with myself. I have to be honest with my dad. I have to work on forgiving him for myself. I’ve been preparing my heart to let go of these issues for a long time. I’ve been unknowingly collecting all the tools I need for this next level of healing.
I have a mission to lead by example in this life. I’m a healer, by nature. I was made to heal others, and I can only heal others by first healing myself. I can only guide others from my actual experiences with overcoming mental and emotional hurdles. I’m still actively working on my codependence as well as seeking professional help to dive into the deeper issues of my childhood. My intention is to be fully aware of all the issues my dad’s absence has brought into my adult life, make peace with them, understand them, then communicate them.
What I do constantly to keep me on the right track is affirming myself. I affirm myself daily on the things that I know I struggle with. I extend self-compassion to myself whenever I experience a feeling that I’m instantly shameful of or I regret. I journal, (of course lol). Whip out that journal! If you don’t have one, get one. If you don’t like writing by hand open your notes on your phone and write. Write about what you’re feeling. Express and admit to your authentic self the real issues at hand. Ask yourself hard questions and put in the time and thought to answer them.
We are all humans, therefore perfectly imperfect. We are all in control of our growth, and healing, therefore solely responsible for the development of our emotional intelligence and higher selves.
Be patient with yourself, be kind to yourself, and love yourself!
I hope this resonates on some level with you. I hope my transparency plants a seed of courage to dive deep into yourselves and see what you find. No matter if you find light or if you find darkness embrace yourself for exactly who you are in those very moments.
Love will forever be the Language friends!
Be True. Be Beautiful. Be Blessed.
Bonus Poem: This poem actually inspired me to write the blog post above!
“Dependency Junkie”
This is hard for me to admit
Maybe I’ve run from it too long
Maybe that’s it,
I try so hard not to beat myself up for missing you
Because I struggle with codependency
As you can see,
Or maybe you don’t,
Over obsessing about every change
Even at the slightest,
Wondering what you thinking
Wondering why we haven’t talked
It's been 48hrs;
Chest sinking
I can’t help it!
It’s not my fault!
When we’re all these bad ass habits taught!?
Now that I stop
And think
I know when
I know exactly how it began
Those Seeds of anxiety and doubt were planted well before you...
There was nothing you or I could do
I’m learning to be okay though
Day in and day out
Without you validating or making it so
I’m detaching from the outcome
So I can be straight
Whole time, low-key feeling like I’m trapped behind locked gates
Because it’s hard!
It’s just hard because I just wanna embrace you
Share your space
Enjoy your presence
Kiss your face
It’s like a craving
A yearning
For closeness
I struggle with codependency
Wanting you close at all times
For fear you’ll leave
Or change your mind
At the drop of a dime
What’s meant for me
Will ultimately be...
If that’s not you
I know it doesn’t mean I failed
No matter how much it feels that way
You’d still see my disappointment through my veil
Not giving you your space feels like inhaling your breath directly from your lungs
Suffocation..
I need discipline
I need to wait
Patience...
Release control
& Embrace freedom
Of my own time
& your own space
-B
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